The Soccer Mafia
It is 8 a.m. on a Saturday in Springtime, Mississippi. It is chilly. You are awake. Wide awake. But you do not have an Ambassador fishing reel in your hand. The hectic hum of your 7 HP Evinrude is nowhere to be heard. You are not fishing for crappie, bream, or bass…You aren’t even in a boat!
Look around you, my friend—odds are they surround you even as you read this. Oh sure, on the surface they appear to be normal, everyday dads and moms, but Hey! Wake up, my friend! Pay attention to where you are! You are at a Soccer field at 8 a.m. on your day off…. in America….worse yet… in Mississippi... on a Saturday, a day that you could be sleeping-in or fishing.…
And yet here you are….. and, worst of all, you don’t even know the rules. You don’t have the first clue about this sport. You wouldn’t know an “offsides” call if it backed into your SUV.
You keep screaming that your child is “wide open” near the goal—to no avail… in fact, several smug looking Adidas-clad parental units are looking at you as though YOU are the weirdo!
Ignore them. You, my friend, are neck-deep in the lunatic-fringe world of “select” soccer. The Soccer Mafia has kidnapped your life.
The ransom is huge—and paid monthly. Think back … There was a time when you had power to pull back from this abyss, maybe even energize your youngster in another direction. Maybe golf, or long distance running, tennis; but it is too late now! You have missed those off-ramps-to-sanity.
You are trapped in the Twilight Zone of League and Tournament Soccer.
How did you arrive here, you ask? Here is how: Your progeny was sooo good that “recreational”(fun) soccer leagues started seeming waaay too easy and Mr. Future Colgate Soccer star seemed to be sitting most of the second half of each game so to spare the other poor team his destructive abilities.
Clearly, you had something special on your hands. That’s when the Soccer Mafia emerges to relieve any angst that you are wasting Junior’s talent.
Your child was the final piece of the puzzle needed to complete their tournament-or select-team roster (actually composed of 1-2 seriously talented players surrounded by 3-4 talented players complemented by 8-10 better-than-average players plus a coach who works incredibly hard to mine this untapped skill to win in a sport where most of the goals seem to be random accidents of fate.)
You are now a “soccer dad” and you know about as much about this as you
do about “daddying” in general.
Enjoy. … And bring your checkbook. … And a folding chair.
Try to look interested.
Oh, and it gets even better: you aren’t allowed to complain to refs when
they make ridiculous calls… Here… In America…. You can’t yell at the
ref. But that is another story entirely. SS
Bill Simmons believes football is played in heaven—exclusively. He is an
equal opportunity critic of any other sport. Simmons’s take on baseball
and softball will be coming to you—soon (perhaps too soon).
If you want to rail at Bill, email him at billdsimmons@comcast.net.