Opening Night

A Glimpse in the Minds of JUNIOR, DAD AND MOM

JUNIOR

Awwwwwright! It’s about time! Hey, we may even have a decent team. Walt and Jimmy are really good. Matter o’fact, Jimmy’s been getting batting lessons … each week ….since last November ... (Dad sez I don’t even need lessons!)

OK. First at-bat of the year. Feeling good. Pants a little saggy. That’s okay—I got my New Easton B-2000 Bone-Crusher Big-Barrel Bat. Dad popped $420 for it. Guaranteed hits. ’Course, I did get a great hit with Andy’s bat last practice ... Hmmm … I think I’ll use Andy’s. (Just tonight.)

I’m so gonna cream that ball. Here she comes … CRUD! Did you see that?! What in the world is Bobby Simpkins doing pitching? He’s a bean machine. He’s gonna kill me. … What is Dad yelling? Keep my weight back? How about—“Keep my body back!”? I’ll … just … scoot … back … two or three yards. Please let me hit the ball. Just a blooper—that’s all.

I’m just gonna swing … No, wait! It’s a ball …

A strike? Are you kidding me? Man ’o man, the dugout crew is gonna hound me if I strike out. I cannot believe I swung at that!

Great. Two strikes. I’m doomed.

“Strike three.” Wonder if we get free snacks after games this year.

DAD

Awright! Look at lil’ man—lookin’ good! Pants good and loose like the “Babe” wore ’em!
Just how much money did Jimmy Robinson’s dad blow on batting lessons? Are you kidding me? Those Major League-wannabe instructors don’t know anything I don’t about hitting the ole horsehide!

Puh leez … And that new $420 Easton B-2000 Helium-Injected Graphite Composite 22 oz. baby practically swings itself! I hear next year’s model offers a low-volt electric shock to help Junior’s timing. Shweeet.

Here comes Junior to bat. WHERE IS HIS BAT? That’s not his bat!?

Alright. Whatever. Okay, I have forty-seven ABSOLUTELY critical pieces of advice to give him in the next thirty seconds … FOCUS … STAY BACK! HEAD DOWN! SCOOT UP! SWING LEVEL! WAIT ON IT! FOLLOW THROUGH! MOVE BACK! KEEP YER HANDS IN!

Strike Two? Already?

CHOKE UP! JUST MAKE CONTACT! SWING IF IT’S CLOSE! GOOD EYE! WALK’S AS GOOD AS A HIT, SON! …

“Strike Three!” Hmmm … Time to get some batting lessons. Dang coaches have ruined Junior’s swing.

MOM

WHITE PANTS??? Is Clorox a Little League sponsor or what? And what is that dirt made of? It’s more like SUPER dirt. Permanent-ink-like dirt. Maybe Abercrombie makes some $150 “pre-stained,” “pre-distressed” baseball pants. I’ll check online.

Well, there’s my Junior. Oh no, his pants! You could fit three of him in them! He-Who-Knows-Nothing must have slipped those on Junior behind my back! Junior looks like MC Hammer in those poofy things.

Ok. Whatever. First pitch …

What! Is that Simpkins monster trying to kill my little boy? Isn’t there some kind of test to pass to be a pitcher in this league? That kid is dangerous! The pitching machine never threw at Junior’s head! I’m going to email Commissioner Luckett about this. First thing tomorrow. Poor baby. SS

Written by Bill Simmons